I Think I'm Doing It Wrong

So, here I am smack dab in the middle of middle age at the tender age of 44. Like many in my age group, the thought of mortality is beginning to creep into my thoughts. My body is beginning to protest from excessive exertion. And, I'm starting to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

For a lot of people, I think, middle age can be about loss and regret. We are losing our youth and commercials don't always make sense to us anymore. We are no longer the target audience. Then, our music is on the oldies or classics station. The term bucket list comes into play.

But for me, I feel like I've wanted to be this age my whole life. I'm glad to be out of the bullshit era of my life. I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anyone. I'm educated enough for my own satisfaction. I've already had a lifetime of adventures, and am looking forward to more. That I've managed to put two amazing kids out into the world, brings me a feeling of great achievement. 

Yeah, there are things I still want to do. I know there is more journey out there for me, and not the "Don't Stop Believing" kind. But ironically I won't stop believing that I can contribute to the world in good ways. 

In my thoughts about mortality, I went back to an earlier philosophy about the universe. It's a little hokey and cosmic, but bear with me. My theory is that the universe is actually made of pure knowledge. But when the Big Bang occurred all of that knowledge was scattered. Our existence is a journey on a giant spiral that we travel, picking up the knowledge as we go. If we get enough we get closer to the center and our speed on that spiral is based on how much we learn. 

Have I learned enough? Of course not. But, I feel like I'm getting along at a good pace. The thing is, I'm not in a hurry anymore. The trick to learning is absorbing as much wisdom as you can from every experience and every process. Taking time to do this is not stagnation. It's merely meticulous.

So, what do I have to show for all my comprised ends thus far? What do I want to have? A life well lived. And that life doesn't have to include a plethora of things to prove my accomplishments. I don't need a new car, or a fancy house. What I need is to continue the journey, and maybe to start telling my stories about what I've learned. If anything, that's what I would want to be remembered for. 

Fuck the mid-life crisis. I'm celebrating.