Combining Camping Equipment

Maybe it was soon, maybe it was fast, but in retrospect it was time, and I'm so happy we did it.

My partner and I decided to marry. I still call Ric my partner, because husband and wife doesn't seem to fit our relationship. We are equals, forgiving of one another and ever considerate of the other's wellbeing and happiness. Besides that the term husband and wife is somewhat traumatic for both of us. We are partners.

It was a short engagement. I asked him. We had jokingly been talking about making our partnership legal for months, referring to it as "combining our camping gear." That phrase made it into the ceremony which gave us much joy.

We married in Tahoe with but a few friends and family present. Our rings...our rings, were bought from a street vendor in San Francisco and are a perfect metaphor for us as individuals and a couple. They are made by hand, hammered from old silver quarters. Like us as individuals, they are battered, but repurposed into something extraordinary and very unique. I don't think I've ever loved a ring so much as I do this one.

I think we were both hesitant to take this step. We like our relationship, not the long distance part, but the part that is total acceptance of what the other has to offer, good and bad. We didn't want that to change. Quite often I think marriage does change relationships. Many of us still struggle with roles and history, and implications as "Husband and Wife." A co-worker even asked me if I planned to continue to work. We did not want marriage to change us. Thus, we continue to be Partners, it's far more apt for how we feel about each other.

There will be some changes though. Part of the intent of making it legal is making it local, as in living in the same household. Being an international couple pretty much requires that we are legally bound for one of us to move to one country or the other. There are no firm plans yet, but at least now I have an "in" to Canada should things go totally sideways in the states.  For now though we continue to live full time in our respective countries, but taking far more time to visit one another than we have in the past. I suppose we are both believers in fate, because we both have faith that everything will eventually work out.

I can't call it conventional, but our relationship never has been.  Maybe that's why it works so well. To me it's another important step in Life 3.0. As my best friend put it, I "found my lobster."

If You Can't Stand The Heat...

Chef Eric Ripert once said "I went into cooking because I love to eat...I just wanted to be a chef so I could eat." I can get behind that. And maybe that's why I'm a cook now. 

Yes, I'm back in a kitchen again. I'm a working line cook, at a restaurant that's a good bit higher up the scale than the last one. It's challenging. It's hard. It requires focus, and to be honest, I'm not performing in the way I would like to. I'm not meticulous enough, skilled enough, disciplined enough, and I've had a case of head-up-my-ass-itis. It's ok. According to Anthony Bourdain, about 80% wash out of the industry. That's pretty tough odds. If I make it, I'll know I've achieved something a good bit out of the ordinary.

I'm adjusting to having a cook's schedule again, working on getting enough sleep so I'm functional. Working in a kitchen is a physical and mental workout that requires physical stamina, strength, good short term memory, multi-tasking and nerve. You have to keep your wits about you even when you fuck it up, accidentally step on expensive cheese or spill the lemon vinegarette, all of which have happened to me in the last week. Did I mention that it's hard?

Maybe I've been coasting for too long. I forgot that I like to achieve, but learning to do something new at the level I'm at, at the age I'm at, might seem a little insane. It definitely feels insane at times. At the end of the night I just want to know I did it right. The thing is what I'm doing now is an intimate thing. People engage with my work in a very personal way, after all, it goes in their mouths. And then there's the ingredients. Animals die so I can work. Farm workers labor, nurture, cultivate and sweat so I can work. People work at their desk jobs so they can make money to eat a good meal, so I can work. It requires respect for the ingredients, and my coworkers and the diners. I'm trying. I really am. So, now, I write to remind myself what I'm suppose to be doing. Maybe this is what I needed in order to hear that "pop" of my head coming out of my ass.

Earlier in the week, I did a prep shift for a book signing party for Chef Ripert. I only vaguely knew who he was a few days earlier. I didn't meet him, but got a signed copy of his book. I know I'm my own worst critic, but I don't feel worthy, not yet. My friends who maybe watch cooking on TV, think I'm doing this amazing thing. To me, I'm just trying to keep up, and maybe prove my worth in the kitchen. I've been given a chance. I want to make it worthwhile for me and the Chef who hired me.

Life 3.1

I had an interesting conversation yesterday. I was talking to a friend who's one of the boat captains for the ferries. We're just about the same age. We were talking about life achievements, and how at our age, it's kind of hard to come up with new goals. She called it the "midlife dull drums." I heartedly agreed with her. I've been in midlife dull drums myself for quite a while. Today, I hope that changes.

I go back into the kitchen today. This time a little less wide eyed and a bit more serious about what I'm doing there. This is Life 3.1 for me, maybe another incarnation of me, but one I've longed for, for a very long time. It makes me wonder now why I waited. 

For me, at the moment, it's all about capacity. This is well within my skill and capacity. I'm not willing myself to climb to the top of anything, just to be a good cook. I want to be consistent. I want to cook well enough to hold my own. I'm ok with still being a novice at this level because I never thought I'd be here in the first place, and that's what makes this interesting.

While I was going to school and working my way to a "successful" career, it never occurred to me, that I wasn't capable or that I couldn't do it. I just did it. And maybe that's why it didn't last like it could have. I have doubt in my new role. I know there is so much I don't know, and I'm not expected to know it all. When ego can be put aside it can be quite a relief. I'm happy to be in this position.

Life 3.1 is less about willing my way to a goal and more about taking the time to work my way there with diligence and skill. It's a good place to be.

Well then, onward I go. 

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I broke up with Burning Man this week. It wasn't contentious or anything, it was just time for me to move on. I've been feeling a need for stability, and orchestrating my life around 6 weeks in the desert every year doesn't seem to contribute to my efforts very well.

As luck and the universe would have it an opportunity arrived at just the right time, and I took it. I'm going back into the kitchen. This time is less of an experiment and more of a lifestyle change. It just suddenly became clear what to do with myself in Life 3.0

I've been preaching about this simplified life I'm trying to achieve a couple of years now, and it occurred to me that having a string of temporary jobs isn't simple at all, especially at tax time. When I went in to stage (pronounced  "stazhje") at this new kitchen, I told the Chef that I was looking for a "home." I meant it. I like being part of something, part of a team, which is maybe why I worked for Burning Man so long.  But, in order to achieve a simpler life, being part of a kitchen seems like a better choice. It's a year-round job, guaranteed hours, even benefits. The decision in truth was quite easy.

But, it's still hard to leave something that was a kind of life raft for me as I traversed a lot of big changes. Burning Man was a constant for me when so many other things in my life were uncertain. I never wanted to feel like Burning Man was fulfilling some existential need in my life, but apparently it was.  Coming to terms with that is a little confusing for me.

For now, I'm happy that there will be some stability in my future. I'm putting down tent stakes and for once they're not in the desert. It feels good, really good.

Interesting Times Have Caught Up With Us

When I was a kid, I was thankful that the turmoil of the 60s was behind us. It was in the past, in black and white pictures and film. I wasn't part of the generation that had to witness dogs, and firehouses, and the National Guard on college campuses. But the curse of interesting times has caught up with us. Sadly, Donald Trump has opened Pandora's box, but not before shaking it up first to agitate the hornets nest inside.

I admit it. I'm scared of the rhetoric and the ugliness that it has unleashed. This isn't something that will just go away. Maybe it was wrong to force equality down the throats of bigots. Maybe we should have attempted to win their hearts and minds, so that this hatred couldn't fester as it has. Or maybe some people are going to hate no matter what.  I've written before about wielding will, but never thought of it from this point of view. 

Hate is never good. Using anxiety as a tool, in some ways is the American way. Ask any advertiser. But using anxiety as a tool to incite anger and an emotional response that encourages people to say and do hateful things is criminal. 

I have faith that a Trump presidency won't happen. But what happens after he fails? What will this pied piper lead his mob to do after he fails? That's what really scares me. All this emotion, agitation, and hate won't just disappear. It's out there, and now we have to deal with it. 

"You Could Try To Go Without Them"

I suffer from a few chronic maladies. I have Thyroid disease which for me means my body doesn't allow my thyroid gland to function, leaving me lethargic without daily medication. Even with medication,  my body goes through ups and downs of energy effecting my motivation and mood. Without medication, it's quite easy for me to fall into depression as a result.

I also suffer from anxiety. Think about how you might feel when you have to do something that makes you stressed, like going into a job review, or dealing with someone that you know is going to yell at you, a lot, and not in an encouraging way. Now imagine, that that feeling stays with you for days and weeks at a time, leaving you agitated, distracted, and confused because you brain won't turn off the stress, and you relive it over and over again. That's anxiety.

One of the things I've learned about middle age is that you start to think more about self preservation. When I was younger, and perhaps stronger, I willed my way through the depression and anxiety. In fact, before the thyroid disease, I'm pretty sure that exposure to constant stress exaserbated the anxiety. It was not a good way to live. I used a lot of energy just "dealing with it," and It was exhausting.

Now, that energy for me is a bit of a finite thing, I've learned to not be wasteful with the energy I have. It's changed my life. First, I extracted a lot of the stress I had before. It needed to be done, because it was literally making me sick. I started having high blood pressure, which is hereditary, but steps could be taken to lower it. For me, besides diet and excercise, which I'm working at, eliminating as much stress as possible proved to be a great strategy. I now avoid people and situations that cause me stress. And when that's not possible and that cycle begins in my brain, causing me to live it over and over again, I take medication that makes it stop, so I don't have to spend my energy for days or weeks "dealing with it." I also use a daily antidepressant, that helps me deal with the highs and lows that I go through from the thyroid disease. 

The result is I can now live a "normal," happy life. I'm not battling every day to overcome feelings of stress and anxiety. I'm doing things I enjoy and slowly but surely finding the lovely life I want. 

What prompted this entry was a recent experience I had at the pharmacy when getting a refill of my anxiety meds. I said something along the lines of being stressed and without medication and how that's a bad combo for me, and the pharmacy tech made a flippant reply of "or you could try to go without them and just deal with it." 

First, I was shocked that a health care provider could be so callouse. I doubt she would say the same thing about my thyroid medication. But then, after I was able to think about it, I realized, she doesn't get it. She doesn't get that dealing with it is not a short and easy process when your brain won't let it go. She doesn't understand that my current condition is the result of years of "just dealing with it," and it wore me down and robbed me of the person I truly am. She doesn't get that mental illness leads to physical illness, and that taking medication is dealing with it, just like making major life changes is dealing with it, and eating better is dealing with it, and avoiding stressful people and situations is dealing with it. 

I've come a long way dealing with it. And I admit, I still have hard days, but now they are just hard days, not weeks or months at a time, because I've taken a lot of steps and made a lot of effort to deal with it in a thoughtful and effective way. 

Reading On The Wagon

I'm reading again. After years of undergrad and graduate school, I had kind of given it up save Harry Potter and Hunger Games. I even let my New Yorker subscription lapse. But, through a social media meme, I got back into it, accepting a challenge to read 50 books this year, and I even started about 4 weeks late. I'm not actually pressuring myself to make that number, but I am reading one book after the other, and enjoying it emensely. As a result I'm watching less video, and wanting to read more.

I'm also on the wagon. I'm not really a regular drinker, at least I'm not a regular drunk. It's not uncommon for me to have a glass of wine on the way home on the boat. But recently, I overdid it in a big way, and decided that my body does not appreciate such things. The prudent thing to do is give it up for a while. I could say I'm giving it up for lent, but it's really more out of self preservation than self deprevation.

I'm always about self evolution. And while these two actions aren't exactly evolving, it is about readapting myself to a different phase of life. I'm not scared to admit that I'm middle aged, but it doesn't necessarily have to be all down hill from here. I'm just learning to appreciate all that I have and to not waste time, energy or resources on things that don't contribute to a better life.