Coming Up on Summer Days

So, this is my life right now:  I get up around 6:00 a.m. or so to catch a 7:45 boat. If I need more sleep, I catch an 8:45 bus. Either option will deposit me at the San Francisco Ferry building. I usually have enough time to grab something for lunch there, usually a Rustic Deli Roll from Acme bread, and a few slices of something from the Deli case at SF meats.

If I have time, and energy, I walk up the Embarcadero to Pier 41. Sometimes I take the waterside promenade. It's a little more peaceful and there are spots where small groups of minnows glisten just below the surface of the water. Otherwise, I pay $2.25 via my Clipper card to take a vintage streetcar. Often the latter are filled with tourists, or worse school kids on a field trip. If the car is already filled, it will roll right past us at the Ferry Building stop. Tourists often look perplexed when this happens. One of the locals usually assures them another will be along soon. Sometimes, even if the street car does stop, I opt to wait for the next one in hopes of less of a crowd.

When I arrive to Pier 39, the closest thing San Francisco has to a theme park, I look for the boat I'm to work on for the day. If I can get on board, I drop my backpack behind the bar, check the ice situation and start the coffee. Then, I head to the beverage office. It occupies a corner of the first floor of the Pier 41 Passenger terminal.

The Beverage Office, is the only place the bartenders regularly see each other. Mornings can be hectic. We fill rolling trashcans with ice, check the previous day's inventory for supplies we might need, check the boat schedule, check the work schedule for changes and head out to our vessels for the day. Some bartenders, who have been doing this job for more than a decade, have regular runs. They've earned it. The rest of us get moved around here and there, some more than others.

After I've collected my ice, and inventory, which can include several cases of beer and multiple bottles of liquor, I head out to my boat where I have about 15 minutes to set up the bar before the first run. I've learned that the trick to this is counting the bank first, then getting the snacks out and then worrying about the beer and liquor. I also make sure I have the Bloody Mary ingredients handy. If anything, that's the drink I'm most likely to mix on the first run.

As I set up the bar, the deck hands are busy preparing the boat for the day. They double check the garbage cans, make sure the heads are clean, check fuel, spray down windows and fill the potable water tanks. Meanwhile the captain is upstairs in the wheelhouse going through her own prep. I know we're getting close when I hear the speakers blast the opening music to our tour for a sound check.

After getting a go-ahead from the captain, Guest Services, affectionately called Yellow Jackets for the coats they wear, opens the gate allowing passengers to march down the ramp to the float that our boats are tied to. Most days this happens to a heroic overture blasts from the boat sound system. I've heard passengers compare the music to Jurassic Park. Its theme is lead by a trumpet line with a full orchestra bellowing below it in support, giving the impression of a great adventure ahead.

As passengers board, they are welcomed and directed to stairwells. I cheerfully tell them, "It's always 5:00 on the boat! In fact it's Bloody Mary o'clock right now!"   My pitch changes after the second cruise. Then it turns to Margarita o'clock.

The next several hours are spent greeting people and making small talk as I pour their drinks and coffee. I give out recommendations for restaurants and internally roll my eyes when people ask for a good seafood place nearby. Occasionally, I'll get a vibe from a visitor that they appreciate the authentic. For these people I give up the really good spots in town. I send them for Tapas in the Mission and for real dim sum just off the main drag in China Town.

As the day progresses, the wind picks up. Our late afternoon run is punctuated by kite-boarders who catch insane air using our wake as a ramp. And, with the wind comes the chill, so it's not uncommon to need to brew a second pot of coffee in the afternoon.

On the last trip out I start closing down. I restock for the next day, finish my inventory, and clean, clean, clean. Once we've tied up, if I'm done with my close, I walk right off the boat. If the last run is busy though, I sometimes struggle to be finished in time enough to not make the crew wait for me.

It's an interesting job. I'm surrounded by light and color all day, and meet people from all over the world. I see birds, sea lions, and sometimes porpoises, dolphins and even whales. I like to say I'm in the business of making people's day, and sometimes it rings true. Sometimes all it takes is a reassuring smile, a hot beverage or a cold beer to make everything better for my passengers who are mostly far out of their comfort zone or a long way from home in San Francisco.

Although I am working a lot right now, with little rest, it's helping me pay down my debt. And, every year I hope to be debt free. It's been a long hard struggle to get within reaching distance of this goal. I know it will be worth it once I'm there.  But for now, at least I have the water, the sky, the waves and the sun, oh and tips. There's tips too.

Saturday Is My Tuesday

I never thought I'd hate Saturday morning, but for the moment I do. Gone are the days of cartoons and cinnamon toast till noon. Now, in my proletariate life, I rush to catch the only bus to San Francisco, at 7:30 am.  The bus is filled with others like me, who work in the City. We dose silently, bemoaning our early plight as others snooze or enjoy a prolonged snuggle with their mate. 

The consolation for this feat is being deposited at the Ferry Building where the Farmer's Market is gaining its full swing momentum. After obtaining an overpriced cappuccino and cannoli, I set myself down at a window seat, facing the Bay and engage with the latest New Yorker on my iPad. Happy chatter surrounds me, and locals parade by carrying rainbow varieties of greens and carrots.

Then, I'm reminded, it's not a bad life. I have time to sit and enjoy the morning of what is my Tuesday. I'll work through the weekend until Wednesday when I will be the one enjoying a lazy morning in bed while everyone else goes to work. 

I'm working diligently to carve out a life that works for me. It's hard, especially when I see friends still reaching for brass rings, still fighting the good fight. I don't deny that I feel pangs of guilt for not actively contributing to that struggle. I question the decisions that brought me here. Then I remind myself that I spent a lot of time giving and doing for others. In fact, I feel like I've contributed a lot, accomplished a lot. I'm OK with where I'm at right now.

I've heard that when looking for love, it comes to you when you stop trying so hard to find it. I think that theory applies to happiness as well. I spent a lot of time doing all the things I thought would fulfill me, only to come up drained and at a deficit in spirit. 

In some ways I've lowered my expectations. It makes it easier to accept what's thrown at me. I accept the good, find a way to work with the bad, and try to remember to be thankful for all I have, and how far I've come. 

It's a perfectly good enough life.

Figuring Out Funds

I've been doing a lot of finance writing lately. It's something I actually enjoy. Economics fascinate me, and as a self-proclaimed frugality maven, I enjoy thinking about better ways to use and save money.

As I approach my mid 40's, I can't help but think about the future. I realize I have no money saved. I'm not unique in this situation. Most Americans have only enough money to last them 2 years for retirement. It's a scary thought. And while I'm not above relying on my children to support me in my older years, I'd like to be able to be a bit better prepared. 

I've been blathering on lately about simple living, doing with less, et cetera. I'm beginning to see that this lifestyle choice may help me with this's retirement quandary. First of all, by spending less, I can save more. I have a a goal in mind of what I want to save this year. Second, living with less is both sensible and prepetory for a time when I may not have a choice in the matter. And, third, as much as I would like stability, and security, I realize it may be elusive. I'm preparing myself for this possibility. 

My goals right now are simple: get out of debt, live simply, save money, have an adventure or two along the way, be happy. It's my vision for a simple but lovely life. Financial security would be great, but I need to be ready in case it doesn't happen.

And if it does happen, and a windfall happens upon me, I need to be especially mindful of my choices. I was never a frivolous person to begin with, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't reign it in. Now is the time to make wise choices. 

Time To Think, And Time To Rest

I have a lot of time to think. I like this. It means I get to genuflect. I consider a lot of things in this process, and overall, it's hard to complain. 

I've been busy lately. The Jerk Church Tabernacle Choir just started its 2015 season by playing Indie Fest in San Francisco last night. It had been a while since I was on a stage in a real theater. It was fulfilling. I like to play, I like to sing, I even like getting gussied up for the stage.

Today, I'm heading back to San Francisco for more Bay Cruises. I was fully expecting to not work today, but the epic storm we are expecting, seems to have stalled out some. I'm still predicting an early end to my work day.

Although I'm tired a lot, and spend more waking hours on water than on land, I like what I do. It's satisfying in a way I never expected. For the first time, I feel like I'm succeeding. I realize that for most people working as a bartender would not be on their list for success, but I'm good with it. Really good. I like that I don't have to put on airs about what I do. There's nothing to be arrogant about. For the moment, I'm happy with my station in life.

I heard that your 40's are about figuring it all out, and for me, I'm very pleased to find that notion to be true. I don't miss stress, not one bit. I don't miss trying to impress people with what I do, or scheming a new way to be ahead of the pack on the next big thing. Some might say I'm just floating, and in a way I am, both literally and figuratively. But I've learned so much from that.

I've learned by watching sea birds, that sometimes it's ok to just paddle around getting what you need to make it to the next day. I learned from sea lions that having a safe place to rest is as important to survival as food. And I learned from the tides that there is an ebb and flow to everything. 

Respite is the key to recovery, be it from an injury, emotional trauma, or too many years of not really resting at all.  Somehow, I've managed to carve out a life that allows me to rest. I might not get a lot of sleep, but I feel a little more rejuvenated every day. Hoping for more. 

Riding the Tide

There's a lot going on for me right now. A new future seems to be forming before me, and it is definitely exciting. 

But let's go back a ways. For years I always had some sort of future in mind. I had goals, hopes, plans and even secret desires of what I wanted to accomplish. Through sheer will I was able to accomplish most of what I set out to do with varying success. 

 A while ago, I guess, I let go of that way of thinking. I quit trying to make things happen. I gave up willing my way through life, because, and I know this sounds dippy, it was just inorganic. In a lot of ways I just gave up. I was tired of putting in so much effort for results that were less than satisfying. 

In spite of all the success, I always felt hollow and unfulfilled, until I got to a point where I started to just let life happen. And somehow, without willing my way there, life has become an interesting pastiche of adventure, and love, and family.  I feel lucky now. 

I admit, I'm  back to having goals, but they are different. These aren't goals met by will, but by passion.  I see potential lining up for me, but as with a dog you don't know, I'm letting them come to me. If a situation doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be. Yes, it's fatalistic, but I'm perfectly fine with that. I'd rather ride with the current than against it. 

Balance

Life has suddenly become about Balance.


Balance is taking the 8:45am bus to get to work in the City, and having time to hit the bank before heading down the Embarcadero to Pier 41.  Balance is spending the day surrounded by light and water and color that calms my mind while watching the shore go by.

My days are mellow. It's still the off season which means fewer crowds and a better quality of tourists. The passengers seem more grateful for the experience on the San Francisco Bay Cruise I've been working recently. Fewer passengers make for less money in tips, but also less work. Daily inventory is easier, and  I'm grateful for the downtime because it gives me time to do research and write for my new freelance gig.

Oh yeah, I'm writing again, I mean beyond all of this dribble. I'm glad for the work, and hopeful that it will pan out to be a nice long term gig. Realistically though, I know that it could dry up at any time. So, I'm doing my best to make the most of it.

I feel like I'm beginning to reemerge into a new life, a life that is somewhat planned if not downright intentional. When I tell people about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it, I forget how different it is from what most people experience.

So yeah, this is my life:  I'm a bartender on the San Francisco ferries. Since that job gives me a lot of down time, I'm also a freelance writer and communications consultant. In August, I leave the water behind to spend 6 weeks in the Black Rock City dessert working for Burning Man. I have a great partner in Canada, who I go see as often as I can.  I have some goals in mind, like building a tiny house of sorts, but for now I'm looking forward to moving into my childhood home with my sister. I'm getting close to being out of debt.

Life is good.

Things I Use to Regret

Some people don't believe in regrets, but I've come to learn that for me at least, regret is how I achieve   understanding. Admittedly, I have few regrets in life, but the ones I have, or had, dissipate with time as I've seen how time played things out. 

When I was in the Army, I was what they called, "hard core." I put every fibre of my being into being a soldier. I had the ambition, and the drive, and love for the esprit de corps. It's one of the few places where almost immediately, I felt I belonged. If anyone was going to be a lifer it was going to be me. 

The reasons I left the Army were complex, but I did leave. It was a decision I regretted for years. and for years I kept thinking, I could always go back, until I was too old, too out of shape, and I finally realized that that life was truly gone from me. 

It was hard, and it was something I actually mourned. What made it more difficult was that during that time, my then spouse remained in the military, or closely associated with its work. I felt left out, and a little lost. But, that didn't kill my ambition. My drive went into my kids, my education and my career.

My regret reached its peak, when friends I served with started to retire. But then, I started to take a look at the toll the experience took on them, and realized, that maybe my departure from that path wasn't so bad often all.  

My Partner, Ric often says, "Things have a way of working out." He's right, they do. Lessons are learned, opportunities revealed, and without intention, life takes me to unexpected places I wanted to be anyway. I know how lucky I am, but even if my luck runs out, I won't discount my regret as part of the journey that gets me to where ever I'm going.