Big Tiny Plans

So, after much consideration, hours of admiration, scheming, dreaming, and self evaluation, I have a new goal in mind: I want to build a Tiny House.

I first came upon the Tiny House movement when I realized that I couldn't keep my marital house post divorce. To do so, would require me to earn $70K + a year, and I've learned that such jobs involve way too much time and stress. I gave up stress, so I tend to avoid putting myself in situations that cause my blood pressure to rise. I decided a while ago I want to live a simpler life, with less things. In that quest, I considered life in an airstream or similar situation. That option is still on the table. But, the idea of a tiny house on wheels is has captured my imagination and hope for possibilities.

Here's a few reasons why:  

1.  I like the idea of building my own home. It's a great project that will require a lot of new skills. I like the idea of expanding my knowledge as well as my capabilities.

2.  Although it will cost me a good amount of money, it's not cost prohibitive. Most Tiny House projects run at about the $25K range, but there are a lot of exceptions. Some homes were built for as little as $11K. I'm a master of doing things on a shoestring, and I'm pretty confident I can source a lot of what I need at a discount. Plus, once it's built, my housing costs will remain low, and I can take it with me where ever I go. 

3.  I'm already accustomed to Tiny living. I've actually lived Tiny several times in my life.  In the Army, I lived in a very small barracks space and much of my life fit in two duffle bags. More recently, while I going back and forth between California and Japan, and between California and Canada, I aspired to be able to fit my life into one check bag and a carry-on. It's a work in progress. 

4.  I have a place to live. When I return to California in 2015, I will move back into my childhood home with my sister, where I can stay indefinitely at a very low cost. This will allow me the freedom to save money for my build as well as provide the stability safety net I need to take on this project.

I know there are a lot of hurdles and challenges ahead. There's a lot to consider: where to build, where to place the sucker, other debt that needs to be paid down prior to building. I also accept that at some point I might decide it's just not feesable to build my own home, although I'm totally in love with the idea. For the moment what I have is the desire and the beginnings of a plan.  The most important thing for me is that I know what I want to do, and have a general direction I'm heading towards. 

Ducks and Chickens

A New Year is coming, at least a new calendar year is. I like many other burners tend to mark my year by the moment the Man falls. Yes, Burning Man is still a very big part of my life. But so are a lot of other things:  my kids, my love, and my pets. 

I've recently come to the realization that moving to Canada on a permanent basis is a lot harder than I may have anticipated a year ago when I first tried. I'm currently here on a six month visitor visa, and will once again spend my summer and spring back in California. when I do come back to Canda next year though, it may not be for the full season. I still have debt to deal with, and other somewhat lofty goals that will require full time employment on my part. I still have a great many ducks to line up, so because of this, when I return to California, my stay won't be so transient. 

Creating a new life can be lots of fun. Oh the possibilities. I like having options. But right now, my options are somewhat limited by finances. So, my current goal is to change that. And by having that goal, I'm open to a few other possibilities, like maybe returning to a professional career, if the right opportunity comes along. I've had a couple cross my path lately.

The most important part of all of this is being open and flexible. I'm more ok with what life throws at me. Yes, I do have some goals, but they are not achievement based. They're lifestyle goals. I want to live simply. I'd love to build a tiny house. I'd like to raise chickens. And I'd like to be able to see my Man  as much as possible. 

Some of my ducks are lining up just right. It gives me hope that the rest will at least decide to swim in the same general direction. 

Fear Not

Fear not! For I bring you good news!

It's a hopeful message. We could use some hope these days. It's getting hard not to fear what may be coming. But for now, I'll enjoy what I have: time with my boys, time with my love, and hope for the future.

Solstice came and went, and we now enjoy a minute or so more of light every day in the Great White North. The boys are here enjoying time with mom. We are mostly spending the time cooking and hibernating. We did make it out to ice skate yesterday. Luckily my boys are low maintenance and easy to please. They appreciate the cooking lessons, and I appreciate their indulgence of such things. 

It's a different kind of season for us. There are no longer toys to wrap, but we still maintain some traditions. There will be the viewing of "A Christmas Story" tonight as well as donuts in the morning. I think, I hope, we've reached the point where the holidays are less about things and more about being together. I'm thankful for the time we have, and hope that the boys are too. 

I've been putting a lot of thought into the future. I have some goals maybe. I've gotten kind of spooked with the idea of goals lately. Fear of failure is very real for me these days. It never was before. Regardless, I still spend a good amount of time visualizing a new life. Knowing I can be happy with less is a real breakthrough that leaves me feeling better about myself and life in general. 

I know I can be ok with a mellow job that pays less, but I'm beginning to entertain the possibility of a professional life again. But this time, if I go, I go in with my ambition in check and entirely different goals.

I'm starting to feel like I'm coming up on a tipping point, but instead of a crazy ride down the other side, I'm hoping for a long mellow coast. Maybe it's not as exciting, but it would allow me to enjoy the view and the feel of a breeze on my face. Contentment beats exhilaration every day. And I'm good with that. I really am. 

Snow

After a tenuous October, November finally made good on the promise of a snowy winter here in Seskatchewan. It started with pelting snow, that stings the face when blown by the wind, followed by light flakes that fell gracefully onto the first layer. 

I'm a romantic, I know that, but I can't get over the comfort that snow seems to bring here. It's just a much more natural state in the Great White North. Shouts and screams of playing children replace the birdsong of the abandoning migrants. The ground crunches with every step, and the air feels ultimately more real. 

Besides its beauty, snow requires a set of rituals. You have to zip up with a scarf, hat and mits. You bang your boots every time you enter the indoors. And, the scraping: mornings are filled with the "raspa, raspa" sound that gave snow cones their name in San Antonio, except this is the sound of ice scraped from windshields. In the afternoons the sound changes to shovels on sidewalks as homeowners and businesses clear the way or face a possible fine for not doing so. 

I feel better when it snows here. It's familiar, it's inviting, it's soothing and it's calm. Everything has to slow down. Everyone drives slower and you have to walk with care. Sudden movements in either case could cause injury.

Life just feels more deliberate in the winter in Saskatchewan. It's a good thing for both the mind and the soul.

When people hear that I spend my winter here and summer in California, I often get, "you're doing it wrong!" But for me, this slow down is the perfect respite from a fast paced life, and a good reminder of how I want to live. 

Visualizing Goals

Visualization is a very big part of who I am. In my early twenties I had a guy friend who turned me on to the idea. Because of him, I started making lists, and imagining myself in a future I thought I wanted. And, an amazing thing happened.  Almost invariably, what I imagined came to be. I wanted to live in Europe, that happened. I wanted to be educated, that happened. I wanted to have a great relationship with my kids, that happened. I became a writer, a manager, a director. Almost everything I visualized in my twenties and thirties happened in one incarnation or another. Maybe I was lucky, who knows.

I've had pitfalls along the way too.  There were many things that didn't quite work out the way I hoped they would. As it turns out, for some of those things, I didn't really have a clear picture of how they would work. Maybe that's what went wrong. Some of them just wouldn't work, and understanding that took some time.

Have I learned from those experiences? Maybe. It's hard to say. A year or so ago, I realized that I'd achieved a lot of what I set out to do, but still wasn't happy. I was happy to have achieved those feats, but without new feats I found I was flailing again.

Without a general direction to go, I just didn't know what to do with myself. I need goals, but what I know now is that goals don't necessarily have to be oriented to career, money, property or status. My new goal is to just live a lovely life, and figuring out what I need to do to stay on that path is my current endeavor. I really hope it happens.

Bad American: Living More With Less

Am I a bad American? It's an interesting question to ponder while living in what feels like a changeling existence. Canada's culture and values are similar to those I grew up with, but with a good bit more practicality and politeness. It's necessary I think when more than half of the year is below the freezing mark.

But that's not what this post is about. When I ponder this question, it's a quandary of my values. I'm not an avid consumer. I am abhorred by my own weakness for coveting things. It's a habit I'm trying to break. I work diligently towards being satisfied with what I have, making do, and repurposing as much as possible. 

I'm edging towards a lifestyle change: living more with less. It's an ongoing development that I hope will become a new philosophy for me. It involves purging of things, paring down my belongings to just the essentials, and even redefining what the essentials are. 

I want to consume less. Yes, it's green, and maybe serves social justice, but my true motive is economical. I don't want to live a life of overwork and stress just to keep up with the status quo.  I don't need all those things, and I don't want to pay for a large house to store them. I want to live simpler, quieter, and in peace. 

So, this brings me back to my original question. Am I a bad American for abandoning what to me is  reckless and destructing consumerism? I don't think I am. I've just decided to get off this Crazy Train and turn up the Cat Stevens instead. 

Traveling Again

I'm thousands of feet above a mountain scape circling, late, into Denver International Airport. In spite of an immediate future of traversing 37 gates to make my connecting flight, I'm in a very Zen place right now. I have Dillon in my earbuds, have engaged with some seductive brilliance that is the New Yorker, and raised the eyebrows of a twenty-something when my internet browser opened to the last site I was on, Porn Hub. Add a decent bourbon with an appropriate number of rocks and well, here I am: relaxed, amused and ready to begin the next adventure. 

Driving to the airport with my sister, we talked of future plans, things we can do with combined resources. Sometimes, I'm amazed at how just the initiation of travel can remove me from myself and bring perspective. 

I have an idea for a new endeavor, something I haven't had in a good while. I'm intrigued and renewed with just the mere possibility. 

The "Fasten Seatbelt" sign is on, and we are descending into a lighted city, darkened by clouds that can't quite obscure the electric colors of a reluctant surrendering sun. 

In my mind I am that sun, leaving the day with a celebration of radiance and a promise to return again.